Hurting

When I write my blog posts, I automatically think about people reading it and whether or not it would be worth their time. With this one, I figured I'd include some stories for entertainment purposes rather than just a whole 'venting session' as I'm feeling the need to do so.

 Soooo, Akron. As many of you have read, my move-in date is fast approaching, and now it's even closer. My sister's boyfriend has a house right by campus and will be going out of town next Friday and headed to Texas. Ergo, he needs a house/dog sitter....yep, you guessed it! That person is going to be me. So in regards to moving out of my house, that happens next Friday. I'll be living at his house for about a week before I actually move my stuff from his place to my dorm. Trying to pack up my entire life and move out is somewhat stressful, but extremely exciting! Going along with the topic of Akron, I met with my adviser this past Tuesday. Where do I even begin? So my mom drives me out there and basically pulls up to the building and kicks me out of the car. As you all may know, we do not get along and on the way out to Akron I had kindly asked her to support me and go into this huge, easy-to-get-lost-in building. My request being denied, I was on my own. I made my way to a lobby and asked for directions to my adviser's office. After taking an elevator and wandering down some hallways, I miraculously made it to my adviser's lobby. I proceeded to ask the lady at the desk how to get to my adviser's office, only to find that the lady at the desk was not the friendliest. Each hallway looked the same and I felt as if I was walking through a maze. "Okay. Go left, turn right, go to the end of the hall, turn left and look for the number," I repeated the directions over and over in my head, yet somehow I was not headed in the right direction. Trying to stay calm, I made my way back to the lobby. On the way there, I passed two ladies talking and gave them a smile, trying my best to be friendly and win their approval. After finally arriving back at the lobby, I said, "I'm sorry. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. I wasn't able to find her office." Well apparently I had not impressed little miss desk lady because she looked at me like I was stupid and rudely said, "Do you not know your left from your right?!" Trying once again to be kind I replied, "Yeah, I'm sorry...I went to Hoover. I guess I'm just bad with directions. I'm so sorry to bother you again."  Clearly, I was not liked. She basically talked down to me and repeated the directions. So once again I'm headed through the maze trying to find one simple office. I passed the two talking ladies (smiling again at them) and finally arrived at the office door. Such a relief! I knocked. No answer. Standing outside the door, a lady with glasses and short hair approached me....it was one of the two talking ladies I had just smiled at. And guess what, SHE was my adviser. Feeling like an idiot, I followed her into her office (a hot tiny room with stacks of papers and binders everywhere), and sat on the one open chair. Her computer and desk chair were right in front of me, so whenever she looked at her computer all I saw was the back of her head. She maybe looked me in the eye one time...otherwise, she talked at her computer and I just sat patiently behind her thinking she might eventually turn around, but she never did. After working out my schedule, I was ready to be out of there. (And yes, I got lost finding my way out of her office and back to the lobby) I was embarrassed, frustrated, and discouraged. I didn't feel welcome. I didn't feel important. I was just another student that they probably viewed as a dumb blonde that would soon become a college party animal. After leaving the lobby, I called my mom to figure out a meeting place. When I looked at my phone, I found like 7 messages from her that read: "Did you find it?" "Where are you?" "Are you okay?" "Julie, why aren't you answering me??" "Please call me!" "Julie I'm worried"  "Are you okay?!?"  So obviously I called her right away, and gave her a brief  "I'm fine where are you?". We met up and headed back to the van. It was in on the way home that my emotions let loose. We fought and cried the entire way. I told her that I felt abandoned and embarrassed and told her all that I had just been through. Seconds after I began talking, my tears started. While I was lost in the halls and finding my way around, she was scared that I had been mugged or kidnapped. (I was 20 minutes early so that if I did get lost, I would still be at my appointment on time.) She had assumed that I found it and was waiting in a lobby so I would be able to text her; it's when I didn't reply that she got scared. Out of my anger, I said "well geez mom! I asked you to come with me but you totally neglected me and threw me out on my own! I mean, what are you gonna do when I live here full time?? Today I was in a building...you should be more worried about me walking to classes!" She broke down and told me that she was worried and can't believe how soon I'll be leaving. She apologized for leaving me on my own because she thought I wanted my independence. Again, I yelled "Yes I want independence! But when I freaking reach out to you and want you there with me, freaking take it! I needed you and you let me down!" Blah blah blah the conversation went on but I'll save you all the details and drama...it's too much for me to handle so I'll save you guys the trouble.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed. I move out next Friday. So tonight I once again reached out for my mom. She wasn't busy, she was just sitting at the computer. I asked her if she was busy and if she could help me figure out how to pack all my things up. I was actually in the mood to spend time with my mom. (Rare, but it happens) I guess I'm understanding that she really does care, I've always known that...she just never shows it so it's hard to believe. With only a week left, I'm trying to give her a chance. But over and over she pushes me away when I'm reaching out. Guys, it hurts. It hurts so badly that it makes me sick. I try so hard to do things wither her, but it seems like she's too lazy to give me the time of day. So this is it. I'm moving out. I'm growing up. Who knew time would go by so fast? I'm still somewhat in disbelief. I'm ready to start my life and be an adult, but it sucks not having the support of a family.

 I question God more than anything. When my heart aches and hurts this bad, I cry out and plead with Him. And when I struggle to find Him, I get discouraged. I'm going off to college. I need a strong relationship with Christ now more than ever. I don't want to get caught up in the 'college life' and push away God's arm when He reaches out to me. I need your prayers. Know that I appreciate them. Thanks for letting me vent/story tell This is what I'm going through and dealing with at the moment.

I am seeking God and enjoying my friends. They are a great support and I appreciate all of them. I'm trying my best to be full of God's unspeakable joy. It's not always easy, but I'm growing and getting stronger through all of life's trials. James 1:2-4

Blessings

The days continue to wind down until i'm off to college. My countdown is at 22 days! I found out my roommate yesterday, and I'm really excited to get to know her. I was worried about having a mean roommate or someone that I wouldn't click with. But from my facebook talks with her, she is a pastor's kid and she loves to be goofy. (We're gonna be best friends!) She said she's not super strong in her faith, but I hope to influence her and help her to grow and be passionate about Jesus Christ.

On another note, I just got back from Momentum youth conference this past Sunday. This was my 6th year attending and probably one of the best ones I've been to! I don't even know where to begin....we took one of our biggest groups so far, maybe around 20 people all together? It was neat to listen during youth group time and hear all that God was doing in their lives. The Holy Spirit was truly moving in the hearts of both students and leaders. Their passion to reach their friends for Christ, while strengthening their relationship with the Lord was absolutely incredible! The theme was ONE...which was to symbolize that each of us should be investing all that we have into a non-believing friend and guiding them towards a personal relationship with Christ. Within a day of being back, my 'ONE' has already accepted Christ and many other students were already sharing their faith with their person. I get emotional because looking back on previous years, the 'Momentum' seemed to fade away or our group just wasn't seeking Christ, but rather looking to have a good time. So I left this week feeling encouraged and excited! I was also able to forgive a friend and confess some mistakes that I had made a long long time ago. It was sort of strange how I had prayed for this person all week and was suddenly convicted and felt the need to apologize for things that happened years ago. But nonetheless I'm thankful that I was able to get that off my chest. We do communion on the last night, so it was cool to go into that with a clean slate and feeling free from sin and guilt. I definitely learned a lot about myself and God through the speakers, daily experiences, and worship.

God continues to bless me even this week as I'm teaching a VBS class at our church. I have such a huge spot in my heart for children so teaching them about Jesus is one of the greatest things in the world. They have brought so much joy to me already, and it's only Wednesday. My goal is to have at least one accept Christ before the week is over.

And finally, I want to encourage any of you reading this to spend time in God's word every day. It's through his word that we are able to better understand His will for us. I find that when I'm consistent in doing my devotions and spending time in the Bible, God draws me closer and I can hear His voice louder than ever. And when I'm not, I get in the habit of doing my own thing and God doesn't usually fit in a schedule that's being filled with TV, facebook, and friends. Those things aren't bad, but when I spend more time doing those things than pursuing God, I'm aware that I'm becoming distant from Him.

So I'm praying for myself and my faithful readers this week....that we would meditate on God's word, pray always, and share our faith TODAY. One of my friends convicted me when I told him "I'll talk to her tomorrow, I'm really busy today" and he replied "she could die tomorrow." As terrible as it sounds, that is the truth. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

4th of July

This post won't be too long...but I'm beginning to think that I say that a lot.

...so the other night, I went to a family's house for the 4th of July. It's the same family I was able to go on vacation with, so I hold them very near and dear to my heart. But last night, I was laying out on the hammock  with my little Colton and Mason as worship music played in the background along with the chatter of family around the bonfire. The stars were absolutely incredible, and I felt like I was in heaven. I guess it may sound cheesy, but it's moments like that where I begin to imagine what my family will be like. Will I be the mom who has her house open to company, feeds the company, and simply enjoys being surrounded by family? I sure hope so!

I'm soo thankful for this family, especially the parents. Their dad is always giving me hugs and telling me he enjoys seeing me. He's always making me feel special. And their mom, is my discipler. She has shown me what it means to love a family and raise children in a godly way. Even their uncle! I mean, I go to shake his hand and he gives me a hug and says "Don't shake my hand....we spent a week in Florida together! Give me a hug."  I am simply blessed. I couldn't ask for a better 4th of July!