A Little Twist of Tuesday

I have to stop for a moment and laugh at the title....I wanted to use an alliteration so I was trying to come up with a word to go with Tuesday, using a more creative word than something like 'terrific.'  As I type this blog, I'm eating Synder's Braided Multigrain Twists. (a healthy dorm room snack better than my abundance of mint chocolate ice cream) That aside, I was able to come up with the current title.

So back to Tuesday. The day started off at 6:45 with the sound of my alarm. Still feeling tired from last night's workout, I opted to skip showering and sleep in until 7:30. At 7:30, my alarm sounded once again. Considering I had to work at 8, I had no option of going back to sleep. I threw on a hoodie and capris and sat down at the computer. I had to check facebook to make sure nothing drastic happened in the world while I was sleeping. It was while I was on my laptop that I ate a Clif bar for breakfast and drank some water. I've become a pro at eating a quick breakfast! Time flies when you're on facebook, so when 7:55 rolled around, I quickly grabbed my backpack and keys and ran out the door. Work started at 8.

From 8-10 I sat at the desk, answering the numerous questions of customers, and then began scanning financial aid paperwork for my boss. It's during work, that I have the great opportunity to think about life; an opportunity that otherwise probably wouldn't happen if I didn't work.

After work, I came back to my room and proceeded to take a shower. After showering, I sat down at my desk and pulled out my Bible, journal, and OTD (on track devotional). Today, I started in the book of Matthew. I'm going through the September booklet. As I read Matthew chapter 1, I began to realize how much Joseph allowed God to have control over his life. It wasn't only Mary that was obedient, Joseph was just as obedient and willing. When he found out that Mary was pregnant and thought she was unfaithful, he didn't disgrace her. Rather, he was willing to quietly divorce her to prevent her from being humiliated. He had his own plan, up until he saw an angel of the Lord in his dream. The angel told Joseph to stay with Mary and name their son Jesus. Without putting up a fight, Joseph surrendered and let God take control. It made me realize that there are many areas of my life where I desire to be in control; and it's a fear of losing what I have that keeps me from trusting God. I'm afraid of not having enough money to pay for college or to buy the necessities I need to survive. Or I'm terrified of losing friendships for the fear of being lonely. But God promises to provide for me. The birds don't reap or sow but God gives them food. Again in Jeremiah, God tells me that He desires for me to prosper and He wants to give me a future; He has no intention of harming me. As hard as it is, my prayer today is that I would be able to give God control, especially of my relationships. If I were to lose all my friends, I would still have the God of the Universe...but would I really be okay with just God? I would like to be okay with that one day.

So after some devotions, I finished getting ready and headed out to lunch. I grabbed a to-go box at Rob's and  filled it with what I thought was something healthy and edible. I brought it back and ate in my room, while helping a floor mate deal with a lot of family issues and a recent conflict between her and her boyfriend. I did my best to give her godly advice and encourage her. After that brief psychology session/lunch break, it was off to my 12:15 stats class. I sat through stats trying to stay awake, until class finally let out at 1:30. Fifteen minutes later I have a class in a building that is pretty far away and somewhat in downtown Akron, off campus. My friend Jason and I walk from stats to our communication disorders class, a walk that takes a good 13-14 minutes (if you walk fast). We settle into seats in the back of the lecture hall. It's during this class, that I pull out my laptop and take notes, or check facebook to keep myself awake...class doesn't end until 3.

When class finally lets out, it's a long fifteen minute walk back to my residence hall. I normally walk back with a group of friends, but today I walked alone and called my friend Melissa. I vented to her about how I felt betrayed and that she was one of the only people left who have yet to judge me. It was great catching up with her.

Shoving the key into the doorknob, I was officially back to my room. I threw my backpack against the wall, propped my door open, and sat down at my desk with some pretzal twists and my laptop. It was at this time that I started blogging. But as you can guess, when your door is open it's an open invite for other to stop in....I love company regardless of whether or not i'm doing homework, so my door is always open, ALWAYS. My friend Alex stopped in so we sat and talked, and our conversation was quality girl talk. We talked for a good half hour about birth control! It was quite the conversation, but it ended when more company came in. We were joined by John and Haley, so we talked with them about hall government and different activities going on. After John left, Christine walked in and we talked more about girl stuff. This time, we talked about hair accessories, braiding, and fishtailing...I'm telling you, I have some quality conversations!

After everyone left, I got back to blogging which is what I'm doing now. I have class in about an hour so I'll probably work on homework until then. (I'm a fan of working ahead and getting stuff done on time) When five o'clock comes around, I'll head to my 5:10 speech class that goes until 6:25. After speech class, my friend Mackenzie and I usually head out to dinner at Rob's and catch up on life. Being that it's Tuesday, we have to go back to our residence hall at 7:30 for a MAC (music and comedy) meeting. Each Tuesday at 9:09, there is some sort of entertainment in EJ Thomas hall. As a part of the MAC comedy, we meet and discuss what's going on that night. After our meeting we walk all over the campus passing out flyers and inviting people to come to EJ at 9:09. When the flyers are gone, we head over to EJ ourselves and get ready to welcome in the crowd. The committee makes two lines and forms a tunnel for people to walk through, leading up to the entrance door. We have a lot of fun screaming and being loud!

At 9:09 the event starts, and usually goes until about 10:30. At 10:30, we head back to our hall and hangout in the lobby or in someone's room. If we have homework, we'll usually grab our backpacks and have a homework party in the lobby until some outrageous hour of the night.

When the party disperses we head up to our rooms and get ready for bed. But once again, this is college; just because you're ready for bed, doesn't mean you're going to bed. It usually means that we'll get distracted by some other group that is 'having a party' (socializing) in their room, or we'll talk to people in the bathroom and continue the conversation in their room.

If that doesn't give you enough detail about the everyday college life, then I don't know what you're looking for. And just because I say Tuesday, doesn't mean that this doesn't happen everyday. I'll do my best to post about tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. (Prepare for a treat when I talk about our crazy weekends!) Anyways, my point is---every day is different, but full. I'm surprised that I was able to type the rest of this without another visitor. Which means that once I publish this post, I'm gonna go look for people to see what's going on...it's too quiet.

I hope that this gives you an idea of what I do here at college. I don't mean to hurt anyone or make them feel left out. You just have to try to imagine what life living on campus is like, but you'll never fully understand. Sometimes I wish that more of my friends lived on campus so that they could relate. Maybe then I wouldn't feel as guilty.

As for now, it's back to homework (and looking for people). Actually no, someone just walked in my door. Yay company! :)  Ta ta for now!

Realizations

I've come to a realization today. I was always told that Christians tend to walk away from their faith when they get to college; and I had assumed that that was because of all the temptations, the worldly influences, and the distance away from their home church. However, my thinking has totally changed. I now feel that Christians in college tend to fall away because the church doesn't always 'remember' and seek to keep in touch with the student that has gone off to college. I think it's much easier for the church to reach out to the student, than it is for the student to reach out to the church. A college student is constantly busy and involved in the chaos of dorm life. Either way, I'm not trying to place the blame on anyone.

I sat at work today for four hours. Being that we weren't busy, it was a great time to just sit and think. As much as I talk about how strong I am in my faith, I've developed a feeling of loneliness and betrayal. Don't get me wrong, I love the friends I have here and I'm always with people. But deep down, I long for Christians. I long to be reached out to and encouraged. Instead, I feel like as my life goes on here at college, my friends and family back home have moved on without me.(makes me think of OB) Which they should--I don't expect them to be thinking of me all the time because I rarely have the opportunity to think about life back home. But here I am, feeling lonely and betrayed. I feel like no one has faith in me anymore...and I blame myself for that. Since when should I feel guilty for making friends, being social, getting involved at school, and working? I don't know where else to go.

I'm sitting in a room with five other girls, having the time of my life. They see the hurt and they know that I'm blogging and are just as confused with why I'm being treated this way. I love these girls. I've made great friends here, but I still have a place and a hole in my heart for the people back home. I just wish I knew if they felt the same. The notes that talk about my lack of faith seems to outweigh the encouragement notes and so the encouragement doesn't even encourage anymore.

I'm going to try my hardest to blog each night to keep them updated. If that's what they're looking for, I'm going to try my best to do that. Maybe a blog of my daily life would be more exciting and encouraging than my depressing complaints.

Until then, it's back to homework. Pray that God would comfort and encourage me when I'm needing it most.

And they'll never understand....

So college itself has been great. I'm staying busy. Really busy. When I'm not doing homework or studying, I'm usually sleeping. If i'm bored for even a second, I make plans with whoever seems to be in the hall or someone will call for me to go hangout. I understand that I have been terrible at keeping in touch with the people back home, and i'm sorry. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't live on campus what it's like. They will never understand how much fun it is....there is never a dull moment.

I'm sorry that all they've heard has been negative or if the lack of communication makes you think i'm screwing around. Yes, I made poor decisions when I first got here. I got involved with a guy who is not a Christian, but I had strong feelings and did what I wanted. It's a secular school and so I was encouraged to pursue him...but such is life and I learn from my mistakes. 

My faith has been under a lot of stress and I've been through a lot of trials lately. But as my life verse says (James 1:2-3) the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Because of everything going on, I have had to choose my faith for myself. It's no longer what my parents are enforcing or the social excitement of youth group. It's MY faith. It's my own. I've done my best to be an example to the girls on my floor and I'm seeking to start a floor bible study.

I have a prayer pouch on my door where people can drop off prayer requests. I write a bible verse on my door each morning. I tell you these things not to brag or show off like the Pharisees did. I tell you about these things because it seems that everyone at home is starting to doubt me. I'm getting texts, letters, or messages saying that i'm not keeping in touch, and for that I am truly sorry. The chaos and excitement of life has sucked me in and i'm loving every second. Not hearing from me does not mean that i'm hiding off at college, ashamed to tell those at home what's going on. It is the simple fact that i'm busy and preoccupied. I've made it a point to make new friends here and impact others for Christ. 

I understand that my blogs may have been depressing, but my blog was initially made as a way for me to vent, without annoying people on facebook. Blogging is basically me venting without anyone saying anything back to me. Hopefully this blog is more upbeat and it reassures everyone that I'm doing well. I really, truly am. College life is great. God is still good. Oh, speaking of God....campus focus tonight was SO good! One of the best sermons I've ever heard. That's all for now. It's time for homework. Such is college life. Over and out :)

One Month In

I've been at college for a little over a month now, and I'm settling into my own little routine. I'm not sure what exactly to write about in my blog. So much goes on here that it's hard to keep up and remember all the details. My residence hall has become like family and my door is always propped open. People are constantly stopping in to talk and I love the sense of community here. With the closeness, there's no doubt we have drama. Strong personalities don't mesh well, and the quiet ones are frustrated with being walked on. Last night we had a floor meeting with all the girls and did a bonding activity to bring us back together. Our leader emphasized that these could be people that down the road end up in our weddings, or hold our first child. She reminded us of the day that we all moved in. None of us knew each other, but we were excited to change that and make new friends. Here we are now, and we've done just that. We've developed friendships, some stronger than others, but we've made friends nonetheless. I've stayed out of the drama, but my door has been open and I've let people vent to me when they need someone to be there. I'm learning a lot about myself in the process. I've realized how much I have a heart for the hurting and the lost. I've learned that I actually do  know how to be quiet and simply listen, and listening allows you to learn so much about other people. Granted, I'm not stupid. I know that some people think they can fool me or manipulate me because of my kindness, but I do have a head on my shoulders and thoughts going through my head. I have promised these girls that I will never judge them, and I mean that 100%, but I still have thoughts and I process a lot of what I hear.

I've grown to love these girls as well as our guys. The boys keep our hall alive. We have people riding down the halls on scooters and rollerblades, and foam darts being shot at our butts, but all in all we love them like family. They have proven to be true gentlemen and take care of us as if we we're their little sisters. They help us when we want to rearrange our rooms, or unloft our beds. They give us strong hugs when we're feeling upset. And then cheer us up with some corny joke. I can't help but to love my college family.

Last night though, I finally broke down. I haven't cried since I've been here, and I've tried to be strong. But the truth is, the world outside of college is still going on while I'm here. I found out a couple days ago that my dad's cancer came back. Sitting in shock when my mom told me, I was at a loss for someone or something to cling to. I felt like the world was spinning around me, and I couldn't slow anything down. I fear for him and the thought of having no one to walk me down the aisle, or a grandpa for my children makes my stomach sick. But I chose to be strong in that moment and told my mom that God would heal him. Whether or not my own faith was strong, I knew that my family needed some hope. I hate that I can't be with my dad and I hate that he has to miss me so much. It makes me feel guilty for moving out, and I question whether or not moving out was the right decision; even though I'm so happy here and couldn't imagine moving back home. In addition, (as cheesy as it sounds) I miss my rabbits...they're like my daughters. The one has problems with her teeth and she isn't able to eat right now because they're so overgrown. My mom isn't too worried about them and  I  wish I was home to take her to the vet. Adding to all of this, I feel like I'm losing my church. I went home last Wednesday only to feel judged and somewhat replaced. As much as I was missed, I didn't feel like I belonged any more. All I wanted was to rekindle the godly relationships that are lacking here at college. The majority of students here aren't passionate about their faith, it's merely something they 'call' themselves. I've been strong so far, and gone to Campus Focus (that I absolutely love), but last night everything came tumbling down. I broke down and cried for the first time. My RA and roommate held me as the tears rolled down my face, and I tried desperately to catch my breath. I'm only 19. I can't handle the thought of losing my father, leaving behind my furry little daughters, and not belonging to the church that I had invested so much time in. I had finally hit my breaking point.

I don't know where I'm going from here, but I know that I need to be seeking God more than ever. It doesn't matter how overwhelming the homework becomes or how busy my schedule is. If I don't have faith, I don't know what else there is to have. Pray for me as I continue on my college journey and seek to strengthen my faith. I had like six people in my room the other night and they were so curious about the whole God thing. With questions that I couldn't answer, I called my pastor. (They were shocked that I can just call him up on the phone! Lol) After Pastor Joe spoke over speaker phone, they were dying to meet him! So here I am, a midst all my trials and I have people wanting to know about Jesus. I'm praying that I could be strong for them and set an example of what it truly means to follow Christ. I'm letting that encourage me and build me up when I'm feeling down. This has proven to be one challenging and emotional, but totally worth it journey and I know that God has me here for a reason.

College Life

I've been at college for almost a month now, and I'm loving every second. Each day has become routine. The alarm goes off, I hit snooze once or twice until I finally decide to wake up. I pull my glasses out from the pouch hanging off my bunk and grab my contacts to put them in so I can see. I sit up and stretch, hit my head on the ceiling, and then climb down the ladder to the floor. I grab my shower caddy and towels, and open the door only to be blinded by the ever bright hall lights. Putting in the code to the bathroom, I walk in, set my things down and turn on the water to heat it up. After my shower, my flip flops squeak down the hall until I get back in my room. Each walk is a gamble, as I'm praying that there on no guys on the girls' floor to see me in my towel. If my roommate is still sleeping when I get back, I take my hair supplies and make up back down to the bathroom to get ready without having to wake her. If she's already up, I start to get ready in the corner that has become my little dressing station.

Each day has its own schedule. Mondays, I have two morning classes and I'm done by noon. Tuesdays, I'm in class from 12:15-3:00pm, only to have a final class later at 5:10. Wednesdays are a little busier; I have three back to back classes ranging from 9:55 to 12:55, followed by my last class at 3:20. Thursdays are the same as Tuesdays, and Fridays are the same as Mondays. In addition, I work an average of ten hours a week; a light work load, but it keeps me busy nonetheless.

Why do I share all of this? Well, partly just so you know what has been going on in my life, but also just because I felt like writing about it :)

The past couple of weeks have been an adjustment, but for me, it's been a pretty easy one. Some girls are homesick, but I'm sick of home. I've visited maybe twice, but my visits were pretty brief....after all, I had moved out to get away. I feel like I fit right in here, and I love the community setting. I love walking down the halls hearing something like, "Julie! What's up?! How was your class?" Or "Julie, are you free? Let's do dinner!" I love not being told to go to bed, but rather I can stay up late if I'm needing to do lots of homework. I fully understand that for some people, it's a struggle to stay on task and manage time efficiently, but for me, it just comes naturally. I'm motivated to do well and prove to my professors  that I mean business and will take their class seriously.

However, college hasn't been 100% perfect. I must admit that I hadn't been to church or a youth group until last night when I went to Campus Focus. As a result, I began to lower my standards. I'm surrounded by profanity and I often find myself forming a word only to question what I was about to say. I'm also surrounded by relationships, making patience very difficult. In fact, I'm pursuing a relationship right now knowing all too well that it is wrong. Out of this, I'm realizing just how important it is to stay rooted in your faith. I haven't read my Bible in quite some time and my prayer life is lacking.

Then I went to Campus Focus. Campus Focus is a group of college students (not even a group, there's hundreds of us!) that meet Thursday nights at the Chapel. The worship reminds me of a summer youth conference and the speaker is just like listening to a youth pastor. Last night, was my first real time spent with God since I've been here. If anything, I was discouraged in myself. I never thought I would start to fade so fast. BUT, God is still pursuing me and I'm ready to pursue Him right back. There are so many beautiful spots on campus that I could sit outside and do my devotions every morning. I'm excited for where God will lead me. I'm excited to get a bible study going with some of the girls on my floor (there's so many of us that go to CF and two of them have daily bible verses on their door!), and maybe even have that group grow into a residence hall bible study. Who knows what God has in store with all of this? But I do know that He has a plan, and I'm ready to take part in that.