One Month In

I've been at college for a little over a month now, and I'm settling into my own little routine. I'm not sure what exactly to write about in my blog. So much goes on here that it's hard to keep up and remember all the details. My residence hall has become like family and my door is always propped open. People are constantly stopping in to talk and I love the sense of community here. With the closeness, there's no doubt we have drama. Strong personalities don't mesh well, and the quiet ones are frustrated with being walked on. Last night we had a floor meeting with all the girls and did a bonding activity to bring us back together. Our leader emphasized that these could be people that down the road end up in our weddings, or hold our first child. She reminded us of the day that we all moved in. None of us knew each other, but we were excited to change that and make new friends. Here we are now, and we've done just that. We've developed friendships, some stronger than others, but we've made friends nonetheless. I've stayed out of the drama, but my door has been open and I've let people vent to me when they need someone to be there. I'm learning a lot about myself in the process. I've realized how much I have a heart for the hurting and the lost. I've learned that I actually do  know how to be quiet and simply listen, and listening allows you to learn so much about other people. Granted, I'm not stupid. I know that some people think they can fool me or manipulate me because of my kindness, but I do have a head on my shoulders and thoughts going through my head. I have promised these girls that I will never judge them, and I mean that 100%, but I still have thoughts and I process a lot of what I hear.

I've grown to love these girls as well as our guys. The boys keep our hall alive. We have people riding down the halls on scooters and rollerblades, and foam darts being shot at our butts, but all in all we love them like family. They have proven to be true gentlemen and take care of us as if we we're their little sisters. They help us when we want to rearrange our rooms, or unloft our beds. They give us strong hugs when we're feeling upset. And then cheer us up with some corny joke. I can't help but to love my college family.

Last night though, I finally broke down. I haven't cried since I've been here, and I've tried to be strong. But the truth is, the world outside of college is still going on while I'm here. I found out a couple days ago that my dad's cancer came back. Sitting in shock when my mom told me, I was at a loss for someone or something to cling to. I felt like the world was spinning around me, and I couldn't slow anything down. I fear for him and the thought of having no one to walk me down the aisle, or a grandpa for my children makes my stomach sick. But I chose to be strong in that moment and told my mom that God would heal him. Whether or not my own faith was strong, I knew that my family needed some hope. I hate that I can't be with my dad and I hate that he has to miss me so much. It makes me feel guilty for moving out, and I question whether or not moving out was the right decision; even though I'm so happy here and couldn't imagine moving back home. In addition, (as cheesy as it sounds) I miss my rabbits...they're like my daughters. The one has problems with her teeth and she isn't able to eat right now because they're so overgrown. My mom isn't too worried about them and  I  wish I was home to take her to the vet. Adding to all of this, I feel like I'm losing my church. I went home last Wednesday only to feel judged and somewhat replaced. As much as I was missed, I didn't feel like I belonged any more. All I wanted was to rekindle the godly relationships that are lacking here at college. The majority of students here aren't passionate about their faith, it's merely something they 'call' themselves. I've been strong so far, and gone to Campus Focus (that I absolutely love), but last night everything came tumbling down. I broke down and cried for the first time. My RA and roommate held me as the tears rolled down my face, and I tried desperately to catch my breath. I'm only 19. I can't handle the thought of losing my father, leaving behind my furry little daughters, and not belonging to the church that I had invested so much time in. I had finally hit my breaking point.

I don't know where I'm going from here, but I know that I need to be seeking God more than ever. It doesn't matter how overwhelming the homework becomes or how busy my schedule is. If I don't have faith, I don't know what else there is to have. Pray for me as I continue on my college journey and seek to strengthen my faith. I had like six people in my room the other night and they were so curious about the whole God thing. With questions that I couldn't answer, I called my pastor. (They were shocked that I can just call him up on the phone! Lol) After Pastor Joe spoke over speaker phone, they were dying to meet him! So here I am, a midst all my trials and I have people wanting to know about Jesus. I'm praying that I could be strong for them and set an example of what it truly means to follow Christ. I'm letting that encourage me and build me up when I'm feeling down. This has proven to be one challenging and emotional, but totally worth it journey and I know that God has me here for a reason.