Not to be a Hypocrite, but....

Dear Blog Readers,
       God's been laying a lot on my heart lately. In fact, a lot of it probably stems from me believing that i'm OCD. I love to be organized....my favorite aisle at Walmart is the one with sticky notes, paper clips, desktop organizers, notebooks, index card, etc. I'm sure you know exactly what aisle i'm talking about! But another "OCD habit" of mine deals with the days of the week. Like if I were to get fat later on in life and then decide to go on a diet, I would have to start on a Sunday. Starting on a Thursday would just be "odd" and it wouldn't seem like a 'fresh start.' Does that make sense? Or is my OCD just totally abnormal? lol.

The reason why I bring up the whole topic of OCD is because I've been trying to give something up...not just anything, but a sin struggle. But with the new year very close, the devil has been taking full advantage of my OCD. My mentality has been "struggle with this sin all you want, give into any and all temptation while you still can. Then when the new year begins, you can have a fresh start." What hurts me the most, is that I'm listening. I'm giving in, and in a sense--giving up. When you struggle with sin, the fact of the matter is, it drags you away from God. I have no desire to be in the word because of the guilt that's been building up inside of me. So why title this post "Not to be a Hypocrite, but...."? 

Here's my reasoning: even though I'm not walking closely with the Lord right now and I'm sinning, I'm still able to put on this smiling face and be quite the encourager! People hear my words and they see my smile, and have this assumption that God and I must be pretty tight. Truth be told, we are far from that! Although people may not see it, I feel it. HYPOCRITE.

I've always struggled with wrongly judging others, and being hypocritical. Whether we think we're right or not, judging is wrong. This past year, by no one other than God himself, I've been able to get rid of my judgemental attitude. When people come to me broken over something, or maybe they don't even come to me but I know about their sin or what they've done, I don't have a judgemental thought in me. Rather, my heart truly breaks for them. I know what it's like to wrestle with sin....whether it's hidden or exposed. Maybe it's because I can relate, that I can look past the fact that they're sinning.

Anyways, last night and into today, something hit me. I've always struggled with the idea of forgiveness. I knew God forgave me of anything and everything, but I never really 'felt' it. Most likely because total forgivenss is not something you hear about every day. Or there were times when I truly felt forgiven by God, but I wasn't able to forgive myself. So last night, I found out that I was accepted into the University of Akron (after being nervous for weeks that that would never happen)! A complete answer to prayer! Also, this past week I was really worried about exams, especially my college math exam. I kept telling myself to pray and ask God to help me do well, but all I thought was "why would God ever be gracious enough to help me after all the sin I've committed?" Just this morning I found out that I got an A on my math exam. An A!! Never in my life have I gotten an A on an exam, so for me to get an A on my first college exam was incredible! It was then that I couldn't help to remember: what a gracious and forgiving God I serve! That was truly a humbling experience. There is no doubt that God knows all He has to do to break me, and humble me.

So why do I share all this? Well, I feel like today I'm breaking free! No more waiting until the New Year to stop sinning. No more guilt, no more shame. Am I nervous about failing? Heck yes! But I'm trying, and right now that's the best I can do. I'm sorry for acting like a hypocrite. I'm sorry for acting like I had it all together. I pray that I can change all that today.