Forgiveness

This last week has been super crazy and super stressful, but hopefully my writing is still in check. I feel like I have a lot on my mind, and I don't know how to express or process it all in writing. I'll try my best though!

As I mentioned before (and in my last blog post) it's been a busy and stressful week. I felt like I wasn't able to spend much time in my Bible as I would've liked to, but I learned from that....I remember a verse that says something along the lines of: even if I'm not faithful to God, He will always be faithful to me. I did my best to remember to be in prayer throughout my day, even if I wasn't able to spend time in the word. God values any time I spend with Him...and He doesn't deserve my "scraps" or leftover time. He's always there for me no matter what, so He deserves my time in return. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm doing a poor job at typing my thoughts. lol.

Anyways, this week I also realized that pride is a huge sin issue for me. I hate to admit it, but I'm here to be honest...I enjoy being the center of attention and walking into a room late when everyone turns around and all eyes are on me. I find it hard to apologize after a fight and admitting that I'm wrong. I like to dress in a way that turns heads, but not in a way that makes men stumble and lust. All in all, I'm sure you would agree with me when I say I struggle with pride. I was talking to one of my best friends Kaylyn (who is telling lots of people about my blog and I'm soo excited about that!!), and I was telling her that maybe I need a week without makeup. Those of you that know me well, know that this would be incredibly hard for me! Although I enjoy attention, I don't like eyes on me when I feel like I look bad. Makeup for me is like a necessity. I used to struggle a lot with my own self image, but makeup had at least made me feel a little better about the way I look. I guess maybe if I did this week without makeup, I wouldn't be craving attention, but rather I'd want to be in the background, unseen. I think it would be quite the challenge for me, but a good one nonetheless. My problem though is when it comes to sharing Christ with others. If I feel like I look bad and don't want to be getting attention, will it affect how I converse with others? I don't want to sit on the bench and not tell others about Christ just because I feel like I look bad and don't wanna be judged. Trust me guys, these are some deeply rooted thoughts. Maybe some of you can relate or feel the same?

Going along with pride, I think it'd be true to say that a proud person has trouble with forgiveness...or at least I do. For as long as I can remember, my mom and I haven't gotten a long. We're both very independent people, who need things to be done perfect (OCD), and we like to be right. When we got into fights, they would get really bad. We would scream at each other, upsetting the rest of the family, and I would go up to my room in tears, threatening to move out. I was pretty serious about it too, and my grandma was willing to let me live with her. There are a lot of other details I could go into about why my mom and I would fight, but I'll save that for personal conversations. I've always been jealous of my friends because a girl's mom is someone that she should be able to go to about anything and have a good relationship with, and I never got to have that. I harbored a lot of bitterness towards my mom for many years, until recently she started losing weight. Working out together and eating healthy has brought us much closer. Our relationship isn't perfect, but it's getting there, and that is such a HUGE answer to years of crying out to God. I've slowly been able to forgive her in my heart. Forgiving someone not only mends a relationship, but it fills you with a sense of freedom. You're finally able to let go of something that's felt like a burden for so long. In addition to that, you can draw nearer to God without a big distraction in the way. One thing to remember also, is that God has forgiven us and in response to His forgiveness, we need to be willing to forgive others no matter what they've done. It takes time, maybe even years like it did for me; but eventually you'll get there, and when you do it's an incredible relief!

I hope this encourages you. It was nice to get a little bit off my chest. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, but I'll be praying for my blog readers again tonight. My laptop is about to die, so I guess it's time to end this post. Night guys!